Onwards

What is going on in my life?

Where am I headed?

Where do I want to end up in, anyway?

It's sad that these three questions are the ones that always, always had me stumped. I just don't know what my answer is. I imagine myself just drifting by. While everybody else seem decided about the road they're taking, I am just running around in circles, going past obstacle after obstacle only to realize I've gone in a loop. The same path, the same troubles. Shallow ones in fact. I'm lost and I'm aimless.

What's fueling me? The fear of disappointing my parents, of taking risks, of failure, or of the unknown? Hubris? Schadenfreude? I keep walking on my path without being aware of where it leads. I don't tire, maybe because the obstacles are shallow -- I have yet to know true hardship. I therefore have yet to know the sense of accomplishment one feels after overcoming it. Only relief, and that's barely enough.

I'm not walking on a road with shattered glass scattered on it. I'm not walking on a path where there are camouflaged pits. I'm not walking on a road less traveled.

I'm merely walking in circles.

I don't wish my feet to be covered in wounds. I don't wish to have my bones broken. I just want to feel whatever it is when wounds turn to scars and those scars turn into lessons. To feel whatever it is when your bones heal and then the casts are removed and you can continue on your way, stronger. Better. More experienced.

I want what others encounter when they move forward.

I want certainty. About my life. My goals. The road I'm supposed to take.

I want to move onwards and answer those three questions.

It's AH-TREH-YAH

If I had resources to change my name, I'm really thinking if I should. I mean, how hard is it to say Atreja with the 'J' as a 'Y'? At-re-ya. Yeesh.

I suppose, I could just have it changed to a straight-up Atreya -- since Atreyu is acceptable. Why not, right? Or even Atria. It sounds pretty much the same. And it's kinda cool to be named after a star. I'm not really sure if I like "alpha of triangulum australe" as the meaning to my probably-would-be name, but hey. Cool is cool.

I'm not really hating on my name, though. In fact, I quite like it and am very much attached to it. It makes me unique. How many people have a name like mine, right? I just really, really don't appreciate people mispronouncing AND misspelling it time and again. This one time, when I got the certificate for being part of the Dean's List, my name was spelled as ALTREJA.

ALTREJA! And people expect it to be pronounced as AL-TREH-HA. WHAT KIND OF A NAME IS ALTREJA?

And then another time, when in my grandfather's wake, my own relatives misspelled my name. Atrajaja indeed. I've never lived it down. In fact, my sister affectionately calls me Atra now. (I'm pretty sure that's also my name in her contacts.) I've grown used to it, but gorramit if it wasn't annoying the first time.

And, you know, I think it would be nice to not have red underlines on my name for once. Just saying. Things could be shiny.